Why is playing with my kid so hard?

I have been an aunt since I was 3 years old. I now have 2 nieces and 7 nephews (and 2 sons). I’ve always enjoyed being around and engaging with kids of all ages. I was the aunt wrestling on the floor, adding to dance routines and creating some random obstacle course. 

So why now when my kids need a playmate and see pretend as their #1 way to connect, I am full of complaints and excuses? Is 1 hour of power ranger pretend play going to kill me? (The answer is ‘no.’)

I’m almost always down to play UNO, a board game, color or read. It’s the pretend, costume dress up, action figure wrestling that I resist. 

Let's think about this. 

There was a time when I didn’t have much clouding my mind. There was nothing using up my energy and I wasn’t concerned about preparing for the next day. Nowadays I’m thinking about dinner, budget, laundry, business, health, appointments, and whatever else. Many days, even when I’ve slept and ate well, I am still tired, just physically and mentally drained. 

At this stage in life using my imagination is work. Not to mention Kobe (5) wants to control the narrative. He literally gives me the word by word script for our time together. I am a free spirit and rebel. It’s in my DNA to go against anything seemingly restricting. When the scripting starts, I instantly get a twitch and self sabotage so that he kicks me out of his room because he’s so annoyed. (I know. It’s childish.)  

But there’s another side of me that really wants to play with him and some moments when I get over myself and fully participate. In those moments we connect so deeply. I see his smile and can feel the love in the air. It’s magical. 

So what’s the issue? Why can’t play time be magical every day?

Is it when I focus on the connecting part and not the “work” that I am able to fully engage? Maybe it’s like everything else and clearly about perspective?

But what about those moments when I try to push myself and it just doesn’t work? I am literally speaking to myself and reminding myself about all the reasons why playing is a good thing and how it’ll enrich our relationship and bluh, bluh bluh. I wonder if those are times when I am mentally focused on other things and simply want to complete my to do list and playing is either not on it or already checked off? 

Or am I over thinking this and should just accept that as a human sometimes I don’t want to play and that’s okay? I’m not horrible for not wanting to participate ALL.THE. TIME. 

There are several reasons why this is even a thought or concern in the forefront of my mind. I feel the pressure to be everything to everyone and put my stuff on the back burner as if my stuff is not as important or deserving of energy and time. 

Also I have a deep desire to be fully present in the moment regardless of what I am doing whether playing with the kids, reading a book for fun, or preparing business emails. I find this easier to do when I put myself and my stuff first. (Is this boundaries and self care?)  Like “scheduling” my work time (and giving myself adequate time to get it done), telling my family and sticking to it. This is something I probably need to do more often and more consistently.
But that makes me feel guilty. 

I don’t have the answers. I’m simply sharing my experience, my thoughts and unscientific analysis. I’m also inviting you to share yours. Anyone else having this internal battle? Feeling bad for both yourself and your kid(s)?